Tag Archives: pregnancy

July 15, 2013

16 Jul

Hello Moother,

I have to say, I wish you were around for the Royal Baby Watch. I think you would totally enjoy looking at Kate Middleton and her perfect pregnancy wardrobe. I just love her. She’s the Princess Diana of my generation. 

I have begun the nesting phase of the pregnancy. Today, I cleaned like a beast and only stopped because I was getting overheated and tired. I might start back up again after dinner. I have also been mentally decorating the nursery. I contacted the landlord to see if I could get permission to paint. I hope I get a yes. 

A week ago, I got back from a visit up north to see family. It was nice seeing everyone, but it was a relief to get home. It was strange seeing the whole family and not having you there. It was especially painful to go to Nonno Peppino’s house and be there just with Daddy and the sisters. He was very lucid when we saw him which made it better. He understood that he was going to be great-grandfather. It was nice. 

I haven’t been checking in so often because I keep dreaming about you. They are not lucid dreams, but you’re in my dreams often. It’s as if you’re checking in with me. I appreciate that. 

More than ever, your death has become harder to process. Last night, I laid in bed thinking of all things I wish you were here for. I could use my mom as I prepare to become one. What was even worse about last night was that I kept having vivid memories of the night you died. This happens every so often, and it’s awful. It’s as if my brain is trying to remind me that you’re dead. I wish I could just suppress it. 

My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I think I look okay pregnant. I have always been so worried I’m going to be an ugly pregnant lady, but I was reassured when I was repeatedly told by family that I was carrying the baby well. It was nice to hear. Since our family doesn’t have a filter and are totally honest about how people, I felt mildly confident that I’m in fact a decent, maybe even cute pregnant lady. 

As I start prepare the nursery, I’ll update you with photos. I have a theme picked out, but need to make use I find decor that fits my theme. I may have to change it. It’s, of course. intellectual and neutral. I have decided that I don’t want to know what the gender is; therefore, I need to have a neutral nursery.

Zia Rita said you would probably recommend it be a surprise. When I told the husband that you didn’t know for the three us, he was shocked. I think it will be fun to not know. I also would like to know, but what’s 22 weeks? It will be here before I know it.

Love you,



June 23, 2013

23 Jun

Hello Moother,

Well, my belly is expanding at a rapid pace. I’ve really popped over the past week. None of my clothes fit, and I’ve had to cave in and buy maternity clothes. While I feel like a cow, it is fun to buy new clothes.

Next week Daddy is driving up to pick me up and then we’ll head up to see the rest of the family. I’m a little nervous to be back up north since I haven’t been since the funeral. It is exciting that the baby is on the way, but it is still very sad.

I wish you were around to deflect the “oh my God, you look huge!” comments that are sure to ensue. I want to feel your hand on my belly.

Today I went to mass for the first time since Easter. I know that is terrible, but I hate going alone and last time Husband came with me. There have been a lot of changes to my church, and I now feel like I need to find a new church. I really loved the way it was before, but since the Franciscan brothers gave the church back to the diocese, it hasn’t been the same. There is a lot more Latin and they got rid of all my favorite songs. They also don’t want you getting the Eucharist from the priest unless you have a prayer request, and if you get the Eucharist from the priest, you have to kneel down before the priest. It seems very Vatican I and frankly, I don’t like it.

I loved growing up with the church that we did. It was both traditional and modern. It was a nice blend. I felt like it really helped us enjoy the mass. I don’t want my baby growing up in this stuffy church. No thanks!

I’ll start church shopping next week. There are three or four churches in the area that I’m going to try. I hope I find one because I really hate not having a church to go to.

Anyway, I miss you a lot and wish I could ask you millions of questions about church and pregnancy and everything else. I also wish you’d come visit me. I feel like I’m forgetting your face.

I love you,


May 29, 2013

29 May

Hello Moother,

Today I went to have another ultrasound. The baby waved at the camera and was flipping around inside my belly having a grand ole time. It would jump around whenever I would speak. It was so cute. I’m totally in love. Justin too was head over heels (So many cliches).

The doctor’s office gave me this huge bag of parenting magazines and baby stuff. There was this package by Huggies that  had this tiny little newborn diaper in it. It was so cute I just started to weep. Oh man! I can’t wait to meet this kid. 

The doctor also eased my worries about not eating everything. She basically said I could eat everything as long as it was fresh. She even said that at 20 weeks I could indulge in some wine! She said that there was too much extremism in the United States regarding pregnancy and food. I know you’d just love this doctor.

I do have a dilemma, however, regarding this baby. I don’t know if I should find out the sex. I want to ask you for your opinion. What do you think? 

My gut is saying to not find out, but everyone who is a “planner” in my life says I should find out. Justin said he’s going to find out, and if I don’t want to know, he won’t tell me. Even if I beg, he won’t. 

Well, the doctor says everything looks great. I’m really very excited. I can’t believe I’m going to my mom to this cutie pie. 

I love you,


May 18, 2013

18 May

Hello Moother,

These past few weeks you have been on my mind. I know it’s because of the baby, but nevertheless every time I think of you, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Every minute of every day, I just wish I could talk to you. 

Mommy, I miss you. It doesn’t seem fair that you’re not here. 

All I want to do is whine like a little kid that life isn’t fair and why isn’t life fair. Wah. Wah. Wah. 

Anyway, I miss you. I want you to meet this little kid. I wish I could talk to you about how ugly I feel and how I’m worried I’m going to be the grossest pregnant woman alive. 

I want to know what you went through. 

That is all.

I love you.


May 10, 2013

10 May

Hello Moother,

Well, this baby has completely taken over my life, and it’s not even close to being here. A couple weeks ago I was spotting and had to go to the doctor for tests. I had my first ultra sound and Justin and I could hear baby’s heartbeat. It was incredible. The doctor said everything looks perfect.

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

I’ve been very sick and nauseous. It makes going to work a challenge, but I imagine the challenges of having a baby are nothing compared to this nausea.

Michelle graduated from college last Saturday. I will say, the ceremony was lame as the school didn’t have a speaker. It was like, “thanks for being here,” and “here come the graduates.” There was no inspirational speech from a famous person, which surprised me since her school is so popular and large. Now, I know Michelle and I attended rivalry schools, so obviously I’m going to point out that my graduation ceremony was much cooler as it had Dave Barry as a speaker, and he was hilarious.

It broke my heart that you weren’t there. It was very nice to see her walk across the stage. I know you are so proud of her. We all are. She kicked serious ass in college. Daddy was very proud and he did a good job keeping it cool because we all missed you  and didn’t want to be sad, even though we were. We told stories about you as we drove home from the ceremony and laughed as remembered some of the funny things you used to do.

When we got home from graduation, we went through your costume jewelry and some of your clothes. It was like confirmation that you aren’t coming back. We all have things we remember you wearing and the other day after work I laid down on my bedroom floor crying as I held one of your house dresses. I cried for at least an hour wishing you were wearing it instead of my holding the empty, meaningless fabric that is a brief reminder of your existence.

This week has been a horrid one at work. I’ve cried driving home every day, except today and ironically it was Teacher Appreciation Week. The state is giving these stupid tests that we have to grade because the state won’t hire graders. The test is completely unethical and no one is speaking out about it. I raised holy hell in our training meeting and have since been thanked by other teachers for speaking out. The thing is even though I did speak out, it doesn’t matter because one person cannot make a change. It will require the entire faculty and other teachers in the district to make a change but teachers are compliant and follow rules, so everyday I feel like Winston in 1984. Wanting change, trying to make a change but being defeated by the Party.

I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education. I’m over it. I’m officially burnt out, and it’s a shame because I believe I was/am a very good teacher. My talents will be appreciated elsewhere, however.

I know this is a brief catch-up but my emotions are very raw. I can’t stop crying over how much I miss you. Usually I can repress my feelings, but I haven’t been able to. I wonder if the baby has anything to with it. I have been very aggressive with my feelings and open with my thoughts, as was evidenced by all the teachers in the training on Wednesday.

I wished so badly that I could have called you because I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m depressed, and I hate my job so much, and I wonder if you think I should get out of education or just find a new school. I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back about professor jobs, but I don’t have much hope because with all the cuts in education at the higher level, many of the positions I applied for may not even exist. I need my mother.

Please visit me and we can have a Nespresso in my dreams and talk.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.


April 13, 2013

13 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, now that I’m preggers, I have a thousands of questions to ask you. Firstly, how did you deal with the paralyzing fatigue? Did you exercise while you pregnant? Did you ever question what kind of mother you’d be like?

I want to know to know so many things about this little baby and what this baby is going to teach me about myself. Will I become one of those women I loathe, whose identities are defined by their motherhood? I know you weren’t like that. You were still Lucy, who owned a business, who sewed, who loved to read who happened to have daughters. This is what I hope. I hope to be Gloria, the writer who teaches (hopefully at a college or university), who happens to have children. 

I know being a mom will change me, but I hope motherhood doesn’t force me to subtract from the other elements that define who I am. 

So, we still haven’t told the in-laws or Daddy. It’s so weird walking around this big secret. It’s kind of fun and I wish I could keep it a secret and then surprise people with a baby. Of course, it doesn’t work like that, but wouldn’t that be something? It’s strange. On one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftops–Justin said it best, he wants to steal a cop car and drive around town telling people, but on the other it’s such a beautiful intimate thing between Justin and I. It’s quite romantic. 

I’m also afraid for the moment when we tell people. I think about how you had a miscarriage with your first pregnancy and Nonna and Zia Rita and how it might run in our family. I know this is terribly negative thinking, but it’s still a thought that crosses my mind. I am already so invested emotionally and then thought that at any moment, it could be taken away makes the excitement bittersweet. I know I should relish every moment of this pregnancy, but deep down I’m a little afraid. There is a seed a fear that has taken root. 

I remember how you always said, the first pregnancy you think nothing can go wrong. That everything is just perfect, but once you lose a baby every pregnancy is nerve-wracking. I want to have that bliss, but it’s tough with those kinds of words swimming around my head. 

I’m about four maybe five weeks pregnant right now. I haven’t had any wild cravings, just some soreness and weird pains in my lower belly, which according to the Internet is my uterus growing or changing or preparing for my baby to grow. I haven’t been sick, but I have been tired. I can’t tell if it’s pregnancy tired or just everyday tired. 

On Monday, I go to the doctor so she can confirm that I’m pregnant. Once I return from the doctor we will tell Daddy and the in-laws. I’m a little worried Daddy is going to tell all of Canada. I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that, but once the doctor confirms it, I guess it will have to be a risk because it would be unfair to not tell him. You can’t deny that Daddy has a big mouth. 

I’m excited. It’s the only word that comes to my mind. I’m excited to meet this little tyke. I’m excited to see Justin be a father. I’m excited to see Joanna and Michelle be aunts. I’m excited to see my baby be spoiled by his or her grandparents. I’m excited that my family is starting to grow. I’m just excited.

Ma, please come find me in my dreams. I’ll be sleeping a little more now that I’m growing a baby, so you’ll have ample opportunity. 

Love you,


April 8, 2013

8 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, I found out today that I’m pregnant! 

I’m only four weeks. I told Justin and he thought I was joking, but when I showed him the tests, he was so excited that he almost cried. It was very sweet.

We told Michelle and Aaron but haven’t told Justin’s parents or Daddy yet. I’m nervous to tell Daddy because he can’t keep a secret. I don’t want everyone to know yet since it is so early. 

Michelle screamed when she heard the news. We were iChatting, so I got to see her face. I’m going to try that with Daddy next week.

We are also going to tell the in-laws next week.

I’m not going to lie ma, I’m so excited. Justin is too. 

I have a million questions and a million concerns.

I feel like every time I speak, my little baby can hear me. I know that you’ve already met the little tyke and held him or her. I can’t want wait to meet this baby especially knowing you’ve already blessed.

Ma, am I having a girl or boy? What is this baby going to look like? What is this child going to be like? Oh so many questions.

I hope I’m a quarter of the mother you were. I want so badly to be the best mother ever. Or at least a good one. 

I know Justin will be a great father. The very best. 

Well, that is all.

I love you.