Tag Archives: death

July 15, 2013

16 Jul

Hello Moother,

I have to say, I wish you were around for the Royal Baby Watch. I think you would totally enjoy looking at Kate Middleton and her perfect pregnancy wardrobe. I just love her. She’s the Princess Diana of my generation. 

I have begun the nesting phase of the pregnancy. Today, I cleaned like a beast and only stopped because I was getting overheated and tired. I might start back up again after dinner. I have also been mentally decorating the nursery. I contacted the landlord to see if I could get permission to paint. I hope I get a yes. 

A week ago, I got back from a visit up north to see family. It was nice seeing everyone, but it was a relief to get home. It was strange seeing the whole family and not having you there. It was especially painful to go to Nonno Peppino’s house and be there just with Daddy and the sisters. He was very lucid when we saw him which made it better. He understood that he was going to be great-grandfather. It was nice. 

I haven’t been checking in so often because I keep dreaming about you. They are not lucid dreams, but you’re in my dreams often. It’s as if you’re checking in with me. I appreciate that. 

More than ever, your death has become harder to process. Last night, I laid in bed thinking of all things I wish you were here for. I could use my mom as I prepare to become one. What was even worse about last night was that I kept having vivid memories of the night you died. This happens every so often, and it’s awful. It’s as if my brain is trying to remind me that you’re dead. I wish I could just suppress it. 

My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I think I look okay pregnant. I have always been so worried I’m going to be an ugly pregnant lady, but I was reassured when I was repeatedly told by family that I was carrying the baby well. It was nice to hear. Since our family doesn’t have a filter and are totally honest about how people, I felt mildly confident that I’m in fact a decent, maybe even cute pregnant lady. 

As I start prepare the nursery, I’ll update you with photos. I have a theme picked out, but need to make use I find decor that fits my theme. I may have to change it. It’s, of course. intellectual and neutral. I have decided that I don’t want to know what the gender is; therefore, I need to have a neutral nursery.

Zia Rita said you would probably recommend it be a surprise. When I told the husband that you didn’t know for the three us, he was shocked. I think it will be fun to not know. I also would like to know, but what’s 22 weeks? It will be here before I know it.

Love you,



May 29, 2013

29 May

Hello Moother,

Today I went to have another ultrasound. The baby waved at the camera and was flipping around inside my belly having a grand ole time. It would jump around whenever I would speak. It was so cute. I’m totally in love. Justin too was head over heels (So many cliches).

The doctor’s office gave me this huge bag of parenting magazines and baby stuff. There was this package by Huggies that  had this tiny little newborn diaper in it. It was so cute I just started to weep. Oh man! I can’t wait to meet this kid. 

The doctor also eased my worries about not eating everything. She basically said I could eat everything as long as it was fresh. She even said that at 20 weeks I could indulge in some wine! She said that there was too much extremism in the United States regarding pregnancy and food. I know you’d just love this doctor.

I do have a dilemma, however, regarding this baby. I don’t know if I should find out the sex. I want to ask you for your opinion. What do you think? 

My gut is saying to not find out, but everyone who is a “planner” in my life says I should find out. Justin said he’s going to find out, and if I don’t want to know, he won’t tell me. Even if I beg, he won’t. 

Well, the doctor says everything looks great. I’m really very excited. I can’t believe I’m going to my mom to this cutie pie. 

I love you,


April 15, 2013

15 Apr

Hello Moother,

Today has been a sad day for our country. There was a horrible bombing in Boston. I’m sure you’ve already greeted the three victims up in Heaven. 

When I heard the news, I felt sad that I was pregnant. I felt sad because I don’t want to bring a baby into this world full of evil. 

I know we’ve talked about this before, but now that I’m actually growing this baby it really freaks me out to think that no matter how hard I try I will not be able to shield this baby from all of the terrors that plague this Earth. 

The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant today and so it was a great day, but it was also sad because I’m scared for this baby. I know you’ll be there to protect the baby, and I will be too, but it’s still scary to think about. By the way, I’m 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. The baby is due on December 14. We might have a Christmas Baby! 

I will never understand why people are so cruel and evil. It’s that time of year. Mid-April is always a violent time of year. It’s sad. So very sad. 

I love you,


April 13, 2013

13 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, now that I’m preggers, I have a thousands of questions to ask you. Firstly, how did you deal with the paralyzing fatigue? Did you exercise while you pregnant? Did you ever question what kind of mother you’d be like?

I want to know to know so many things about this little baby and what this baby is going to teach me about myself. Will I become one of those women I loathe, whose identities are defined by their motherhood? I know you weren’t like that. You were still Lucy, who owned a business, who sewed, who loved to read who happened to have daughters. This is what I hope. I hope to be Gloria, the writer who teaches (hopefully at a college or university), who happens to have children. 

I know being a mom will change me, but I hope motherhood doesn’t force me to subtract from the other elements that define who I am. 

So, we still haven’t told the in-laws or Daddy. It’s so weird walking around this big secret. It’s kind of fun and I wish I could keep it a secret and then surprise people with a baby. Of course, it doesn’t work like that, but wouldn’t that be something? It’s strange. On one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftops–Justin said it best, he wants to steal a cop car and drive around town telling people, but on the other it’s such a beautiful intimate thing between Justin and I. It’s quite romantic. 

I’m also afraid for the moment when we tell people. I think about how you had a miscarriage with your first pregnancy and Nonna and Zia Rita and how it might run in our family. I know this is terribly negative thinking, but it’s still a thought that crosses my mind. I am already so invested emotionally and then thought that at any moment, it could be taken away makes the excitement bittersweet. I know I should relish every moment of this pregnancy, but deep down I’m a little afraid. There is a seed a fear that has taken root. 

I remember how you always said, the first pregnancy you think nothing can go wrong. That everything is just perfect, but once you lose a baby every pregnancy is nerve-wracking. I want to have that bliss, but it’s tough with those kinds of words swimming around my head. 

I’m about four maybe five weeks pregnant right now. I haven’t had any wild cravings, just some soreness and weird pains in my lower belly, which according to the Internet is my uterus growing or changing or preparing for my baby to grow. I haven’t been sick, but I have been tired. I can’t tell if it’s pregnancy tired or just everyday tired. 

On Monday, I go to the doctor so she can confirm that I’m pregnant. Once I return from the doctor we will tell Daddy and the in-laws. I’m a little worried Daddy is going to tell all of Canada. I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that, but once the doctor confirms it, I guess it will have to be a risk because it would be unfair to not tell him. You can’t deny that Daddy has a big mouth. 

I’m excited. It’s the only word that comes to my mind. I’m excited to meet this little tyke. I’m excited to see Justin be a father. I’m excited to see Joanna and Michelle be aunts. I’m excited to see my baby be spoiled by his or her grandparents. I’m excited that my family is starting to grow. I’m just excited.

Ma, please come find me in my dreams. I’ll be sleeping a little more now that I’m growing a baby, so you’ll have ample opportunity. 

Love you,


April 7, 2013

7 Apr

Hello Moother,

Last night Michelle called. Justin picked up my phone and was going to joke with her, but she was crying. She broke up with Wes yesterday. 

I’m not going to lie, I was relieved. As you know, he was not my favorite. Still, I’m glad. He was not the right guy for her. I felt like my prayers were answered.

She was very upset, naturally. It broke my heart to hear her crying. I wanted to just scoop her up and protect her from any pain. 

Justin was great too. He stayed on the phone with her for almost an hour, listening and comforting her. Watching him help her was just another confirmation that he is just so wonderful. I know Michelle, too, could find someone who is good to her, the way Justin is good to me. 

Yesterday, I also was hit by a wave of sadness. When I was making dinner, I took out a sopressata that you had brought me from Montreal. As I removed the vacuum seal and started to cut it, I realized you had bought it for me and when it was finished, it would be one of the last things you got for me. 

I felt really stupid because it’s just sopressata, but it just made your death seem so much more real. 

Please visit me soon. 

Love you,


March 10, 2013

10 Mar

Hello Moother,

It’s been a few days. I had started to check in a few times but never got around to it. This past week has been wild. I was getting over a fever and some kind of bug, went to Boston for a writer’s conference, and am finally home. 

Today, I miss you so much. I wished I could have called you when I got back so I could tell about my trip. I sat in on some great discussions about writing and reading. I even had my hand at some networking. I didn’t feel like such a loser since some of my work is finally published at a relatively decent publication. 

The night before I left for Boston I had dinner with Shannon and two of my other girlfriends in Charlotte. We were talking girl talk when we got on the subject of running. The girls told me that they created a team for a race called the Sarcoma Stomp. They named the team We Love Lucy. We are running in your honor on April 20! I was so touched and felt so loved. 

I thought being away would be a distraction from how much I miss you, but instead I was reminded of you all week. At the airport, on my way to Boston, these three girls about the same age difference as Michelle, Joanna, and me were traveling with their mother. They were all laughing and having a grand ole time at the airport. Every once in a while they would have a little argument, but still they reminded me of the three of us. Even the way they all laughed was similar. I think their inappropriate volume is what started my feeling nostalgia. It was painfully sweet. 

At the conference, I was reminded of how you probably would have absolutely hated most of the people there. Many of the people at the conference spoke of themselves, rarely engaging their peers in questions. Most of them also dressed so badly. It made me glad you taught not to always be talking about myself because that is obxious. I’m also glad you taught me to care about my appearance. When I was younger, I didn’t understand what the big deal was, but as I’ve gotten older being fashionable and not looking like a slob has become increasingly important. 

I was also reminded of you at the conference when I sat in at a reading by Amy Bloom and Richard Russo. Amy Bloom read from her forth coming novel and the excerpt was about childhood. The writing was beautiful, and I thought about how it would be nice to send you the book and then we could both read it together and discuss it as we always have with books we loved. Richard Russo read an excerpt from his memoir. In the excerpt he wrote about his mother’s death and his daughter’s wedding. It was interesting and made my chest swell with pain because I could tell that his pain, though not recent like mine, had not subsided. Even as read, he was reliving the pain and he had when wrote it and experienced it. This saddened me. I keep hoping the pain will go away, as if a cut that will eventually heal. There are days when I’ve scabbed over then suddenly it’s reopened and bleeding again. 

This week I will be mentally preparing myself for the weekend. I know I should be excited to go home and see Daddy, Joanna, and Michelle but it is going to be so painful to go home and know you’re not going to be there. It’s not like you’ll come in eventually because you’re working or running errands. You won’t be back at all, and I would seriously kill to just sit down and have some coffee with you. 

I’ve been trying to process why you’ve left and what lesson God has in store for me. I can’t quite understand why you couldn’t be around for longer so you could meet your grandchildren and help me be a mother.  I can’t understand why I’ve been deprived of shopping and coffee with you. I don’t get it, and it infuriates me. 

Well, now that I’m sufficiently upset I will sign off. 

I love you,


March 3, 2013

4 Mar

Hello Moother,

It’s been a rough weekend. I’ve been trying to recover from a fever since Thursday night. I even left work early so I could rest and try and heal. Today has been my best day, but I still don’t feel great. 

Yesterday I went shopping with a girlfriend of mine. It was nice seeing her, but she’s not the best shopping pal. She just spends money like it’s her job, and it’s no fun shopping with someone who doesn’t have a budget. When I got to the mall, it made me think of you because I loved shopping with you so much. Really, this whole weekend was small reminders of you.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I sniffed your old perfume, and it made me think of going to the bridal shop with you on Saturdays to work. I loved how your bathroom always smelled of your perfume. I took the bottle of perfume from your bathroom when I went to back to head back home to pick up Justin for the funeral. It was this impulse I couldn’t control. I felt bad that I took it without saying anything to anyone. I admitted it to Michelle as we drove. It’s in my dresser and when I miss you a lot (which is often), I smell it. It makes it seem like you’re alive for one brief second. Then the sadness hits me like a ton of rocks. It’s nearly suffocating. 

When I got home from shopping with my friend, I wished you could have been with me so we could put some cute outfits together and touch all the fabrics we thought were beautiful. It was always so wonderful shopping with you because you didn’t make the shopping all about you. My friend did that. I had gift cards for three different stores, and we didn’t go into one of them. It was probably for the best though. We went into Nordstrom and my friend told me about a pair of 500 dollar sunglass she bought, but then returned. I was glad she was blessed to be able to spend money like that, but I couldn’t understand it. She then ended up buying a 200 dollar pair. I would love to be able to have that kind of lifestyle, but I don’t. I know she didn’t intend to make it feel like she was flaunting her money, but she knows I’m not wealthy like that so it felt like showing off. I learned my lesson.

When I got home, my fever was getting worse so I made lentil soup. It was no where as wonderful as yours. It tasted good, but it wasn’t yours. When Justin called me, I was crying and then he made me laugh, because I was upset that my lentil soup didn’t taste like yours. I now know exactly how you felt when you tried to make polenta like Nonna Maria. 

I’m not ready for this week because I’m still not 100 percent well. I am excited to go to Boston this week, because it’s always fun and invigorating to be around book nerds and writers like me, but it’s exhausting being away from home. The following week I’ll be back in Florida for your memorial mass. March is a busy month. 

I hope things are settling down in Heaven because I really want you to have time to visit me in dreams. 

I love you,