May 10, 2013

10 May

Hello Moother,

Well, this baby has completely taken over my life, and it’s not even close to being here. A couple weeks ago I was spotting and had to go to the doctor for tests. I had my first ultra sound and Justin and I could hear baby’s heartbeat. It was incredible. The doctor said everything looks perfect.

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

I’ve been very sick and nauseous. It makes going to work a challenge, but I imagine the challenges of having a baby are nothing compared to this nausea.

Michelle graduated from college last Saturday. I will say, the ceremony was lame as the school didn’t have a speaker. It was like, “thanks for being here,” and “here come the graduates.” There was no inspirational speech from a famous person, which surprised me since her school is so popular and large. Now, I know Michelle and I attended rivalry schools, so obviously I’m going to point out that my graduation ceremony was much cooler as it had Dave Barry as a speaker, and he was hilarious.

It broke my heart that you weren’t there. It was very nice to see her walk across the stage. I know you are so proud of her. We all are. She kicked serious ass in college. Daddy was very proud and he did a good job keeping it cool because we all missed you  and didn’t want to be sad, even though we were. We told stories about you as we drove home from the ceremony and laughed as remembered some of the funny things you used to do.

When we got home from graduation, we went through your costume jewelry and some of your clothes. It was like confirmation that you aren’t coming back. We all have things we remember you wearing and the other day after work I laid down on my bedroom floor crying as I held one of your house dresses. I cried for at least an hour wishing you were wearing it instead of my holding the empty, meaningless fabric that is a brief reminder of your existence.

This week has been a horrid one at work. I’ve cried driving home every day, except today and ironically it was Teacher Appreciation Week. The state is giving these stupid tests that we have to grade because the state won’t hire graders. The test is completely unethical and no one is speaking out about it. I raised holy hell in our training meeting and have since been thanked by other teachers for speaking out. The thing is even though I did speak out, it doesn’t matter because one person cannot make a change. It will require the entire faculty and other teachers in the district to make a change but teachers are compliant and follow rules, so everyday I feel like Winston in 1984. Wanting change, trying to make a change but being defeated by the Party.

I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education. I’m over it. I’m officially burnt out, and it’s a shame because I believe I was/am a very good teacher. My talents will be appreciated elsewhere, however.

I know this is a brief catch-up but my emotions are very raw. I can’t stop crying over how much I miss you. Usually I can repress my feelings, but I haven’t been able to. I wonder if the baby has anything to with it. I have been very aggressive with my feelings and open with my thoughts, as was evidenced by all the teachers in the training on Wednesday.

I wished so badly that I could have called you because I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m depressed, and I hate my job so much, and I wonder if you think I should get out of education or just find a new school. I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back about professor jobs, but I don’t have much hope because with all the cuts in education at the higher level, many of the positions I applied for may not even exist. I need my mother.

Please visit me and we can have a Nespresso in my dreams and talk.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Gloria

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April 15, 2013

15 Apr

Hello Moother,

Today has been a sad day for our country. There was a horrible bombing in Boston. I’m sure you’ve already greeted the three victims up in Heaven. 

When I heard the news, I felt sad that I was pregnant. I felt sad because I don’t want to bring a baby into this world full of evil. 

I know we’ve talked about this before, but now that I’m actually growing this baby it really freaks me out to think that no matter how hard I try I will not be able to shield this baby from all of the terrors that plague this Earth. 

The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant today and so it was a great day, but it was also sad because I’m scared for this baby. I know you’ll be there to protect the baby, and I will be too, but it’s still scary to think about. By the way, I’m 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. The baby is due on December 14. We might have a Christmas Baby! 

I will never understand why people are so cruel and evil. It’s that time of year. Mid-April is always a violent time of year. It’s sad. So very sad. 

I love you,

G

April 13, 2013

13 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, now that I’m preggers, I have a thousands of questions to ask you. Firstly, how did you deal with the paralyzing fatigue? Did you exercise while you pregnant? Did you ever question what kind of mother you’d be like?

I want to know to know so many things about this little baby and what this baby is going to teach me about myself. Will I become one of those women I loathe, whose identities are defined by their motherhood? I know you weren’t like that. You were still Lucy, who owned a business, who sewed, who loved to read who happened to have daughters. This is what I hope. I hope to be Gloria, the writer who teaches (hopefully at a college or university), who happens to have children. 

I know being a mom will change me, but I hope motherhood doesn’t force me to subtract from the other elements that define who I am. 

So, we still haven’t told the in-laws or Daddy. It’s so weird walking around this big secret. It’s kind of fun and I wish I could keep it a secret and then surprise people with a baby. Of course, it doesn’t work like that, but wouldn’t that be something? It’s strange. On one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftops–Justin said it best, he wants to steal a cop car and drive around town telling people, but on the other it’s such a beautiful intimate thing between Justin and I. It’s quite romantic. 

I’m also afraid for the moment when we tell people. I think about how you had a miscarriage with your first pregnancy and Nonna and Zia Rita and how it might run in our family. I know this is terribly negative thinking, but it’s still a thought that crosses my mind. I am already so invested emotionally and then thought that at any moment, it could be taken away makes the excitement bittersweet. I know I should relish every moment of this pregnancy, but deep down I’m a little afraid. There is a seed a fear that has taken root. 

I remember how you always said, the first pregnancy you think nothing can go wrong. That everything is just perfect, but once you lose a baby every pregnancy is nerve-wracking. I want to have that bliss, but it’s tough with those kinds of words swimming around my head. 

I’m about four maybe five weeks pregnant right now. I haven’t had any wild cravings, just some soreness and weird pains in my lower belly, which according to the Internet is my uterus growing or changing or preparing for my baby to grow. I haven’t been sick, but I have been tired. I can’t tell if it’s pregnancy tired or just everyday tired. 

On Monday, I go to the doctor so she can confirm that I’m pregnant. Once I return from the doctor we will tell Daddy and the in-laws. I’m a little worried Daddy is going to tell all of Canada. I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that, but once the doctor confirms it, I guess it will have to be a risk because it would be unfair to not tell him. You can’t deny that Daddy has a big mouth. 

I’m excited. It’s the only word that comes to my mind. I’m excited to meet this little tyke. I’m excited to see Justin be a father. I’m excited to see Joanna and Michelle be aunts. I’m excited to see my baby be spoiled by his or her grandparents. I’m excited that my family is starting to grow. I’m just excited.

Ma, please come find me in my dreams. I’ll be sleeping a little more now that I’m growing a baby, so you’ll have ample opportunity. 

Love you,

G

April 8, 2013

8 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, I found out today that I’m pregnant! 

I’m only four weeks. I told Justin and he thought I was joking, but when I showed him the tests, he was so excited that he almost cried. It was very sweet.

We told Michelle and Aaron but haven’t told Justin’s parents or Daddy yet. I’m nervous to tell Daddy because he can’t keep a secret. I don’t want everyone to know yet since it is so early. 

Michelle screamed when she heard the news. We were iChatting, so I got to see her face. I’m going to try that with Daddy next week.

We are also going to tell the in-laws next week.

I’m not going to lie ma, I’m so excited. Justin is too. 

I have a million questions and a million concerns.

I feel like every time I speak, my little baby can hear me. I know that you’ve already met the little tyke and held him or her. I can’t want wait to meet this baby especially knowing you’ve already blessed.

Ma, am I having a girl or boy? What is this baby going to look like? What is this child going to be like? Oh so many questions.

I hope I’m a quarter of the mother you were. I want so badly to be the best mother ever. Or at least a good one. 

I know Justin will be a great father. The very best. 

Well, that is all.

I love you.

G

April 7, 2013

7 Apr

Hello Moother,

Last night Michelle called. Justin picked up my phone and was going to joke with her, but she was crying. She broke up with Wes yesterday. 

I’m not going to lie, I was relieved. As you know, he was not my favorite. Still, I’m glad. He was not the right guy for her. I felt like my prayers were answered.

She was very upset, naturally. It broke my heart to hear her crying. I wanted to just scoop her up and protect her from any pain. 

Justin was great too. He stayed on the phone with her for almost an hour, listening and comforting her. Watching him help her was just another confirmation that he is just so wonderful. I know Michelle, too, could find someone who is good to her, the way Justin is good to me. 

Yesterday, I also was hit by a wave of sadness. When I was making dinner, I took out a sopressata that you had brought me from Montreal. As I removed the vacuum seal and started to cut it, I realized you had bought it for me and when it was finished, it would be one of the last things you got for me. 

I felt really stupid because it’s just sopressata, but it just made your death seem so much more real. 

Please visit me soon. 

Love you,

G

April 2, 2013

2 Apr

Hello Moother,

Well, Easter has come and gone. It was my first holiday without you. I wept over the potatoes as I sliced them. I just remembered how much you loved Easter. It is still my favorite holiday. I love Easter so much because it’s about new beginnings and reward for sacrifice. It’s also about eternal life which is comforting given how much I miss you. It’s like I know I have to be good because it means I will get to see you again. 

This Easter, despite being painful, was also surprising. On Thursday night, Justin told me he wanted to go to mass with me. I almost fell off of the couch. I was so happy. He doesn’t enjoy church, and I know it was a very big sacrifice for him. I felt so very loved because of this gesture. 

The mass, of course, was entirely too long. It ran almost 2 hours. I felt so bad for the people, like Justin, who were there for family or in an attempt to rekindle with the church. Long masses like that just keep people away. 

Still, the homily was very good and even Justin said he enjoyed it. It was nice bonding moment for us. You would have been very proud of him. 

Anyway, I keep hoping that your death is this really long dream that will eventually come to an end. I know it’s been two months, but I just can’t believe it. 

You haven’t visited me in my dreams since the week you died. Please come see me. I want to chat with you. 

I love you,

G

March 28, 2013

29 Mar

Hello Moother,

So Miami made it to the sweet sixteen. We lost tonight, and here is why I think that happened. 

1. You were watching this game, weren’t you? 

I. thought. we. had. an. agreement. 

You promised, after a very mediocre football season a couple years ago, that you would stop watching games. Our success was directly correlated with your loyalty and viewership. 

How dare you. 

When Lucy’s viewership was 100%, Miami’s winnership (yeah, I made that word up) was 0%. 

Why? During the tournament? Why?

What the h?

Justin and I know you were watching. Whatever. We know. We know what you did. ::shakes head disapprovingly::

At halftime, Justin confessed that he was wearing a Miami shirt you got him and had to change. What more proof do we need? In fact, during the first half, I said, “Momma is clearly watching this game.” 

Momma why? We thought we had this. Our brackets are totally screwed. 

Can we please reiterate this agreement? No more Miami games for you. We appreciate your attempt to show your love for the Canes, but if you really loved us, you’d stop watching games from Heaven. 

Clearly, Jesus wanted us to lose tonight. And it is Holy week so, yeah. Whatever the Lord wants…

See you in my dreams, maybe, if you’re lucky.

Good night.

G and J

p.s. rice balls