May 23, 2013

23 May

Hello Moother,

This coming Wednesday I get to see the baby again and hear his or her little heartbeat. I can’t wait. It will be a positive moment in my life. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been a nightmare. It has been so bad that I’m not even sure I want to be a teacher any more. I am actually thinking of spending the summer looking for jobs outside of teaching. 

I am so burnt out that I don’t know if I even want to be a professor either. I think I want out of the classroom completely. Saying it to you makes it seem more official. When I spoke about with Hubs last night, it was more like me going through the options, but today, I feel ready to apply for these jobs. It might take all summer, but the thought of going to teach next year is not an option. It’s not even on the menu.

It’s a big decision, but I think that since I’m young enough I should get out of the hell that is the classroom. I don’t even care that I’m a good teacher. I don’t. I think my years of public service are over. I have cried nearly every day for two weeks because of work. 

I lost it in my classroom yesterday and had to step out in order to keep my composure. I cried in the bathroom for fifteen minutes. at. work. I’ve never done that before–cried at work. Some of my coworkers say it’s my hormones, but I think I’m just sick of the hell I’m living. Maybe it’s taken the hormone surge to bring these feelings to the surface. 

There has also been some drama with one of your daughters. You know which one. It stresses me out when there is trouble in the family. I wish she would get her shit together. I feel bad for Daddy because he has to face the brunt of it. 

I have found myself needing you and every day that passes you feel more gone. I’m forgetting what your voice sounded like, what you smelled like, what your smile looked like. It sucks. Sometimes I have visions of the day you died and I can hear how you struggled to breathe. I don’t want to remember that. 

I wish you’d come visit me. 

I miss you.

G

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