May 10, 2013

10 May

Hello Moother,

Well, this baby has completely taken over my life, and it’s not even close to being here. A couple weeks ago I was spotting and had to go to the doctor for tests. I had my first ultra sound and Justin and I could hear baby’s heartbeat. It was incredible. The doctor said everything looks perfect.

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

I’ve been very sick and nauseous. It makes going to work a challenge, but I imagine the challenges of having a baby are nothing compared to this nausea.

Michelle graduated from college last Saturday. I will say, the ceremony was lame as the school didn’t have a speaker. It was like, “thanks for being here,” and “here come the graduates.” There was no inspirational speech from a famous person, which surprised me since her school is so popular and large. Now, I know Michelle and I attended rivalry schools, so obviously I’m going to point out that my graduation ceremony was much cooler as it had Dave Barry as a speaker, and he was hilarious.

It broke my heart that you weren’t there. It was very nice to see her walk across the stage. I know you are so proud of her. We all are. She kicked serious ass in college. Daddy was very proud and he did a good job keeping it cool because we all missed you  and didn’t want to be sad, even though we were. We told stories about you as we drove home from the ceremony and laughed as remembered some of the funny things you used to do.

When we got home from graduation, we went through your costume jewelry and some of your clothes. It was like confirmation that you aren’t coming back. We all have things we remember you wearing and the other day after work I laid down on my bedroom floor crying as I held one of your house dresses. I cried for at least an hour wishing you were wearing it instead of my holding the empty, meaningless fabric that is a brief reminder of your existence.

This week has been a horrid one at work. I’ve cried driving home every day, except today and ironically it was Teacher Appreciation Week. The state is giving these stupid tests that we have to grade because the state won’t hire graders. The test is completely unethical and no one is speaking out about it. I raised holy hell in our training meeting and have since been thanked by other teachers for speaking out. The thing is even though I did speak out, it doesn’t matter because one person cannot make a change. It will require the entire faculty and other teachers in the district to make a change but teachers are compliant and follow rules, so everyday I feel like Winston in 1984. Wanting change, trying to make a change but being defeated by the Party.

I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education. I’m over it. I’m officially burnt out, and it’s a shame because I believe I was/am a very good teacher. My talents will be appreciated elsewhere, however.

I know this is a brief catch-up but my emotions are very raw. I can’t stop crying over how much I miss you. Usually I can repress my feelings, but I haven’t been able to. I wonder if the baby has anything to with it. I have been very aggressive with my feelings and open with my thoughts, as was evidenced by all the teachers in the training on Wednesday.

I wished so badly that I could have called you because I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m depressed, and I hate my job so much, and I wonder if you think I should get out of education or just find a new school. I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back about professor jobs, but I don’t have much hope because with all the cuts in education at the higher level, many of the positions I applied for may not even exist. I need my mother.

Please visit me and we can have a Nespresso in my dreams and talk.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Gloria

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