Archive | May, 2013

May 29, 2013

29 May

Hello Moother,

Today I went to have another ultrasound. The baby waved at the camera and was flipping around inside my belly having a grand ole time. It would jump around whenever I would speak. It was so cute. I’m totally in love. Justin too was head over heels (So many cliches).

The doctor’s office gave me this huge bag of parenting magazines and baby stuff. There was this package by Huggies that  had this tiny little newborn diaper in it. It was so cute I just started to weep. Oh man! I can’t wait to meet this kid. 

The doctor also eased my worries about not eating everything. She basically said I could eat everything as long as it was fresh. She even said that at 20 weeks I could indulge in some wine! She said that there was too much extremism in the United States regarding pregnancy and food. I know you’d just love this doctor.

I do have a dilemma, however, regarding this baby. I don’t know if I should find out the sex. I want to ask you for your opinion. What do you think? 

My gut is saying to not find out, but everyone who is a “planner” in my life says I should find out. Justin said he’s going to find out, and if I don’t want to know, he won’t tell me. Even if I beg, he won’t. 

Well, the doctor says everything looks great. I’m really very excited. I can’t believe I’m going to my mom to this cutie pie. 

I love you,

G

May 23, 2013

23 May

Hello Moother,

This coming Wednesday I get to see the baby again and hear his or her little heartbeat. I can’t wait. It will be a positive moment in my life. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been a nightmare. It has been so bad that I’m not even sure I want to be a teacher any more. I am actually thinking of spending the summer looking for jobs outside of teaching. 

I am so burnt out that I don’t know if I even want to be a professor either. I think I want out of the classroom completely. Saying it to you makes it seem more official. When I spoke about with Hubs last night, it was more like me going through the options, but today, I feel ready to apply for these jobs. It might take all summer, but the thought of going to teach next year is not an option. It’s not even on the menu.

It’s a big decision, but I think that since I’m young enough I should get out of the hell that is the classroom. I don’t even care that I’m a good teacher. I don’t. I think my years of public service are over. I have cried nearly every day for two weeks because of work. 

I lost it in my classroom yesterday and had to step out in order to keep my composure. I cried in the bathroom for fifteen minutes. at. work. I’ve never done that before–cried at work. Some of my coworkers say it’s my hormones, but I think I’m just sick of the hell I’m living. Maybe it’s taken the hormone surge to bring these feelings to the surface. 

There has also been some drama with one of your daughters. You know which one. It stresses me out when there is trouble in the family. I wish she would get her shit together. I feel bad for Daddy because he has to face the brunt of it. 

I have found myself needing you and every day that passes you feel more gone. I’m forgetting what your voice sounded like, what you smelled like, what your smile looked like. It sucks. Sometimes I have visions of the day you died and I can hear how you struggled to breathe. I don’t want to remember that. 

I wish you’d come visit me. 

I miss you.

G

May 18, 2013

18 May

Hello Moother,

These past few weeks you have been on my mind. I know it’s because of the baby, but nevertheless every time I think of you, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Every minute of every day, I just wish I could talk to you. 

Mommy, I miss you. It doesn’t seem fair that you’re not here. 

All I want to do is whine like a little kid that life isn’t fair and why isn’t life fair. Wah. Wah. Wah. 

Anyway, I miss you. I want you to meet this little kid. I wish I could talk to you about how ugly I feel and how I’m worried I’m going to be the grossest pregnant woman alive. 

I want to know what you went through. 

That is all.

I love you.

G

May 10, 2013

10 May

Hello Moother,

Well, this baby has completely taken over my life, and it’s not even close to being here. A couple weeks ago I was spotting and had to go to the doctor for tests. I had my first ultra sound and Justin and I could hear baby’s heartbeat. It was incredible. The doctor said everything looks perfect.

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

Here is your grand-baby. Healthy as can be!

I’ve been very sick and nauseous. It makes going to work a challenge, but I imagine the challenges of having a baby are nothing compared to this nausea.

Michelle graduated from college last Saturday. I will say, the ceremony was lame as the school didn’t have a speaker. It was like, “thanks for being here,” and “here come the graduates.” There was no inspirational speech from a famous person, which surprised me since her school is so popular and large. Now, I know Michelle and I attended rivalry schools, so obviously I’m going to point out that my graduation ceremony was much cooler as it had Dave Barry as a speaker, and he was hilarious.

It broke my heart that you weren’t there. It was very nice to see her walk across the stage. I know you are so proud of her. We all are. She kicked serious ass in college. Daddy was very proud and he did a good job keeping it cool because we all missed you  and didn’t want to be sad, even though we were. We told stories about you as we drove home from the ceremony and laughed as remembered some of the funny things you used to do.

When we got home from graduation, we went through your costume jewelry and some of your clothes. It was like confirmation that you aren’t coming back. We all have things we remember you wearing and the other day after work I laid down on my bedroom floor crying as I held one of your house dresses. I cried for at least an hour wishing you were wearing it instead of my holding the empty, meaningless fabric that is a brief reminder of your existence.

This week has been a horrid one at work. I’ve cried driving home every day, except today and ironically it was Teacher Appreciation Week. The state is giving these stupid tests that we have to grade because the state won’t hire graders. The test is completely unethical and no one is speaking out about it. I raised holy hell in our training meeting and have since been thanked by other teachers for speaking out. The thing is even though I did speak out, it doesn’t matter because one person cannot make a change. It will require the entire faculty and other teachers in the district to make a change but teachers are compliant and follow rules, so everyday I feel like Winston in 1984. Wanting change, trying to make a change but being defeated by the Party.

I’ve been applying for jobs outside of education. I’m over it. I’m officially burnt out, and it’s a shame because I believe I was/am a very good teacher. My talents will be appreciated elsewhere, however.

I know this is a brief catch-up but my emotions are very raw. I can’t stop crying over how much I miss you. Usually I can repress my feelings, but I haven’t been able to. I wonder if the baby has anything to with it. I have been very aggressive with my feelings and open with my thoughts, as was evidenced by all the teachers in the training on Wednesday.

I wished so badly that I could have called you because I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m depressed, and I hate my job so much, and I wonder if you think I should get out of education or just find a new school. I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back about professor jobs, but I don’t have much hope because with all the cuts in education at the higher level, many of the positions I applied for may not even exist. I need my mother.

Please visit me and we can have a Nespresso in my dreams and talk.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Gloria