April 13, 2013

13 Apr

Hello Moother,

So, now that I’m preggers, I have a thousands of questions to ask you. Firstly, how did you deal with the paralyzing fatigue? Did you exercise while you pregnant? Did you ever question what kind of mother you’d be like?

I want to know to know so many things about this little baby and what this baby is going to teach me about myself. Will I become one of those women I loathe, whose identities are defined by their motherhood? I know you weren’t like that. You were still Lucy, who owned a business, who sewed, who loved to read who happened to have daughters. This is what I hope. I hope to be Gloria, the writer who teaches (hopefully at a college or university), who happens to have children. 

I know being a mom will change me, but I hope motherhood doesn’t force me to subtract from the other elements that define who I am. 

So, we still haven’t told the in-laws or Daddy. It’s so weird walking around this big secret. It’s kind of fun and I wish I could keep it a secret and then surprise people with a baby. Of course, it doesn’t work like that, but wouldn’t that be something? It’s strange. On one hand, I want to shout it from the rooftops–Justin said it best, he wants to steal a cop car and drive around town telling people, but on the other it’s such a beautiful intimate thing between Justin and I. It’s quite romantic. 

I’m also afraid for the moment when we tell people. I think about how you had a miscarriage with your first pregnancy and Nonna and Zia Rita and how it might run in our family. I know this is terribly negative thinking, but it’s still a thought that crosses my mind. I am already so invested emotionally and then thought that at any moment, it could be taken away makes the excitement bittersweet. I know I should relish every moment of this pregnancy, but deep down I’m a little afraid. There is a seed a fear that has taken root. 

I remember how you always said, the first pregnancy you think nothing can go wrong. That everything is just perfect, but once you lose a baby every pregnancy is nerve-wracking. I want to have that bliss, but it’s tough with those kinds of words swimming around my head. 

I’m about four maybe five weeks pregnant right now. I haven’t had any wild cravings, just some soreness and weird pains in my lower belly, which according to the Internet is my uterus growing or changing or preparing for my baby to grow. I haven’t been sick, but I have been tired. I can’t tell if it’s pregnancy tired or just everyday tired. 

On Monday, I go to the doctor so she can confirm that I’m pregnant. Once I return from the doctor we will tell Daddy and the in-laws. I’m a little worried Daddy is going to tell all of Canada. I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that, but once the doctor confirms it, I guess it will have to be a risk because it would be unfair to not tell him. You can’t deny that Daddy has a big mouth. 

I’m excited. It’s the only word that comes to my mind. I’m excited to meet this little tyke. I’m excited to see Justin be a father. I’m excited to see Joanna and Michelle be aunts. I’m excited to see my baby be spoiled by his or her grandparents. I’m excited that my family is starting to grow. I’m just excited.

Ma, please come find me in my dreams. I’ll be sleeping a little more now that I’m growing a baby, so you’ll have ample opportunity. 

Love you,

G

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