March 5, 2013

5 Mar

Hello Moother,

These past few days I’ve been pretty sick. I had a fever on-and-off all weekend, and now I have a really gross cough. When I was shopping with my friend, she said she’d thought that a fever was a symptom of pregnancy. We looked it up and the Internet indicated that it could be. Although, oftentimes the Internet will assume that if you’re experiencing anything out of the norm, you’re pregnant. I didn’t just have a mild fever either. I had a temperature of 101.5. I was probably half a degree away from being hospitalized.

Of course, after she left, I began to do more research. Sure enough, pregnant women who contracted fevers while pregnant were twice as likely to have kids with autism or birth defects. I started to freak. What if I was pregnant and now needed to go see a doctor? I took a test, and of course, I wasn’t pregnant. What I failed to realize after the test was that I’d taken the test too soon. I should have waited a few days because of my cycle. Regardless, I’m not experiencing any of the other symptoms of pregnancy.

Ma, I cannot tell you how badly I am ready for a baby. Facebook has become a place a torture. Every time I get on there someone has either announced their pregnancy or posted a picture of their baby.

Before I wanted a baby, it was fun to peruse the pictures of babies, but now it’s dreadful. I’m freaking out because everyone around me kept saying I’d get pregnant quickly despite my worries about my endometriosis, tipped uterus, and not-so-ideal weight. 

I’m well aware that’s it’s only been since Christmas that Justin and I have been trying. I mean we are being minimally scientific about it. It’s a little insane how hardcore people  can get with the ovulation sticks, specialists, and diets. As badly as I want to be a mother, I don’t know if going about it in a scientific way is healthy for my marriage. Seems like it would take the fun out of it. 

The thing is I’m worried that if I don’t get scientific, the window to have babies will close. I do think that maybe I should stay away from Facebook despite my love for social media. Facebook serves as a daily reminder that I’m failing, Failing in my ability to get pregnant, failing in my weight loss goals, failing in my career, failing in my ability to look good in photo. Honestly, Facebook should either be called failbook, or babybook. 

I think too, I know how badly you wanted to be a Nonna and in that I failed you. I’m not going to lie, when I think of this it depresses the hell out of me. I don’t know if we would have started sooner, would you have been around, but I did fail you. I think a baby would bring some much needed happiness to the family. I also know Daddy is ready to be a grandpa. I hope that soon I’m showing you pictures of a sonogram and asking for advise on baby names. 

On a different note, the other day I asked you to visit in my dreams and you did. You looked like an angel. For a brief moment, I was so happy, then I realized I was sleeping and my heart felt so much sorrow. Still, I think it makes going to sleep a little exciting. I hope to see you there soon. Maybe we can talk the next time. 

Love you,



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