March 3, 2013

4 Mar

Hello Moother,

It’s been a rough weekend. I’ve been trying to recover from a fever since Thursday night. I even left work early so I could rest and try and heal. Today has been my best day, but I still don’t feel great. 

Yesterday I went shopping with a girlfriend of mine. It was nice seeing her, but she’s not the best shopping pal. She just spends money like it’s her job, and it’s no fun shopping with someone who doesn’t have a budget. When I got to the mall, it made me think of you because I loved shopping with you so much. Really, this whole weekend was small reminders of you.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I sniffed your old perfume, and it made me think of going to the bridal shop with you on Saturdays to work. I loved how your bathroom always smelled of your perfume. I took the bottle of perfume from your bathroom when I went to back to head back home to pick up Justin for the funeral. It was this impulse I couldn’t control. I felt bad that I took it without saying anything to anyone. I admitted it to Michelle as we drove. It’s in my dresser and when I miss you a lot (which is often), I smell it. It makes it seem like you’re alive for one brief second. Then the sadness hits me like a ton of rocks. It’s nearly suffocating. 

When I got home from shopping with my friend, I wished you could have been with me so we could put some cute outfits together and touch all the fabrics we thought were beautiful. It was always so wonderful shopping with you because you didn’t make the shopping all about you. My friend did that. I had gift cards for three different stores, and we didn’t go into one of them. It was probably for the best though. We went into Nordstrom and my friend told me about a pair of 500 dollar sunglass she bought, but then returned. I was glad she was blessed to be able to spend money like that, but I couldn’t understand it. She then ended up buying a 200 dollar pair. I would love to be able to have that kind of lifestyle, but I don’t. I know she didn’t intend to make it feel like she was flaunting her money, but she knows I’m not wealthy like that so it felt like showing off. I learned my lesson.

When I got home, my fever was getting worse so I made lentil soup. It was no where as wonderful as yours. It tasted good, but it wasn’t yours. When Justin called me, I was crying and then he made me laugh, because I was upset that my lentil soup didn’t taste like yours. I now know exactly how you felt when you tried to make polenta like Nonna Maria. 

I’m not ready for this week because I’m still not 100 percent well. I am excited to go to Boston this week, because it’s always fun and invigorating to be around book nerds and writers like me, but it’s exhausting being away from home. The following week I’ll be back in Florida for your memorial mass. March is a busy month. 

I hope things are settling down in Heaven because I really want you to have time to visit me in dreams. 

I love you,



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