July 4, 2014

4 Jul

Hello Moother,

I can’t believe a year has passed since I last wrote. 

Moother, you have a perfect grandson. He is the most wonderful baby, ever. He sleeps through the night, and already, at nearly 7 months, he already has so much personality. He is happy and has the best laugh. It pains me to leave him when I go to work. I’m grateful to have summer with him.

Justin and I will be taking him to Portland for a wedding, and I’m so thrilled that he’ll be meeting his West Coast family. 

Not that I’m a mother–it doesn’t feel like I’m a mother only like I’ve been babysitting for an eternity; I don’t know how to explain it; I know Little Man is my son, but it still feels like babysitting, probably because it is; I have even more questions for you. 

I think I’m doing a decent job. I try my very best to be patient and kind. 

I just wish you could hold him and squeeze him and spoil him. 

For a while, I admit with guilt, I was pushing away my thoughts of missing you, but recently I haven’t been able to. i’m not doing so well holding back my grief. 

Love you,

G

July 15, 2013

16 Jul

Hello Moother,

I have to say, I wish you were around for the Royal Baby Watch. I think you would totally enjoy looking at Kate Middleton and her perfect pregnancy wardrobe. I just love her. She’s the Princess Diana of my generation. 

I have begun the nesting phase of the pregnancy. Today, I cleaned like a beast and only stopped because I was getting overheated and tired. I might start back up again after dinner. I have also been mentally decorating the nursery. I contacted the landlord to see if I could get permission to paint. I hope I get a yes. 

A week ago, I got back from a visit up north to see family. It was nice seeing everyone, but it was a relief to get home. It was strange seeing the whole family and not having you there. It was especially painful to go to Nonno Peppino’s house and be there just with Daddy and the sisters. He was very lucid when we saw him which made it better. He understood that he was going to be great-grandfather. It was nice. 

I haven’t been checking in so often because I keep dreaming about you. They are not lucid dreams, but you’re in my dreams often. It’s as if you’re checking in with me. I appreciate that. 

More than ever, your death has become harder to process. Last night, I laid in bed thinking of all things I wish you were here for. I could use my mom as I prepare to become one. What was even worse about last night was that I kept having vivid memories of the night you died. This happens every so often, and it’s awful. It’s as if my brain is trying to remind me that you’re dead. I wish I could just suppress it. 

My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I think I look okay pregnant. I have always been so worried I’m going to be an ugly pregnant lady, but I was reassured when I was repeatedly told by family that I was carrying the baby well. It was nice to hear. Since our family doesn’t have a filter and are totally honest about how people, I felt mildly confident that I’m in fact a decent, maybe even cute pregnant lady. 

As I start prepare the nursery, I’ll update you with photos. I have a theme picked out, but need to make use I find decor that fits my theme. I may have to change it. It’s, of course. intellectual and neutral. I have decided that I don’t want to know what the gender is; therefore, I need to have a neutral nursery.

Zia Rita said you would probably recommend it be a surprise. When I told the husband that you didn’t know for the three us, he was shocked. I think it will be fun to not know. I also would like to know, but what’s 22 weeks? It will be here before I know it.

Love you,

G

June 28, 2013

28 Jun

Hello Moother,

I’m traveling with Daddy and it’s exhausting. 

That is all.

G

June 23, 2013

23 Jun

Hello Moother,

Well, my belly is expanding at a rapid pace. I’ve really popped over the past week. None of my clothes fit, and I’ve had to cave in and buy maternity clothes. While I feel like a cow, it is fun to buy new clothes.

Next week Daddy is driving up to pick me up and then we’ll head up to see the rest of the family. I’m a little nervous to be back up north since I haven’t been since the funeral. It is exciting that the baby is on the way, but it is still very sad.

I wish you were around to deflect the “oh my God, you look huge!” comments that are sure to ensue. I want to feel your hand on my belly.

Today I went to mass for the first time since Easter. I know that is terrible, but I hate going alone and last time Husband came with me. There have been a lot of changes to my church, and I now feel like I need to find a new church. I really loved the way it was before, but since the Franciscan brothers gave the church back to the diocese, it hasn’t been the same. There is a lot more Latin and they got rid of all my favorite songs. They also don’t want you getting the Eucharist from the priest unless you have a prayer request, and if you get the Eucharist from the priest, you have to kneel down before the priest. It seems very Vatican I and frankly, I don’t like it.

I loved growing up with the church that we did. It was both traditional and modern. It was a nice blend. I felt like it really helped us enjoy the mass. I don’t want my baby growing up in this stuffy church. No thanks!

I’ll start church shopping next week. There are three or four churches in the area that I’m going to try. I hope I find one because I really hate not having a church to go to.

Anyway, I miss you a lot and wish I could ask you millions of questions about church and pregnancy and everything else. I also wish you’d come visit me. I feel like I’m forgetting your face.

I love you,

G

May 29, 2013

29 May

Hello Moother,

Today I went to have another ultrasound. The baby waved at the camera and was flipping around inside my belly having a grand ole time. It would jump around whenever I would speak. It was so cute. I’m totally in love. Justin too was head over heels (So many cliches).

The doctor’s office gave me this huge bag of parenting magazines and baby stuff. There was this package by Huggies that  had this tiny little newborn diaper in it. It was so cute I just started to weep. Oh man! I can’t wait to meet this kid. 

The doctor also eased my worries about not eating everything. She basically said I could eat everything as long as it was fresh. She even said that at 20 weeks I could indulge in some wine! She said that there was too much extremism in the United States regarding pregnancy and food. I know you’d just love this doctor.

I do have a dilemma, however, regarding this baby. I don’t know if I should find out the sex. I want to ask you for your opinion. What do you think? 

My gut is saying to not find out, but everyone who is a “planner” in my life says I should find out. Justin said he’s going to find out, and if I don’t want to know, he won’t tell me. Even if I beg, he won’t. 

Well, the doctor says everything looks great. I’m really very excited. I can’t believe I’m going to my mom to this cutie pie. 

I love you,

G

May 23, 2013

23 May

Hello Moother,

This coming Wednesday I get to see the baby again and hear his or her little heartbeat. I can’t wait. It will be a positive moment in my life. It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been a nightmare. It has been so bad that I’m not even sure I want to be a teacher any more. I am actually thinking of spending the summer looking for jobs outside of teaching. 

I am so burnt out that I don’t know if I even want to be a professor either. I think I want out of the classroom completely. Saying it to you makes it seem more official. When I spoke about with Hubs last night, it was more like me going through the options, but today, I feel ready to apply for these jobs. It might take all summer, but the thought of going to teach next year is not an option. It’s not even on the menu.

It’s a big decision, but I think that since I’m young enough I should get out of the hell that is the classroom. I don’t even care that I’m a good teacher. I don’t. I think my years of public service are over. I have cried nearly every day for two weeks because of work. 

I lost it in my classroom yesterday and had to step out in order to keep my composure. I cried in the bathroom for fifteen minutes. at. work. I’ve never done that before–cried at work. Some of my coworkers say it’s my hormones, but I think I’m just sick of the hell I’m living. Maybe it’s taken the hormone surge to bring these feelings to the surface. 

There has also been some drama with one of your daughters. You know which one. It stresses me out when there is trouble in the family. I wish she would get her shit together. I feel bad for Daddy because he has to face the brunt of it. 

I have found myself needing you and every day that passes you feel more gone. I’m forgetting what your voice sounded like, what you smelled like, what your smile looked like. It sucks. Sometimes I have visions of the day you died and I can hear how you struggled to breathe. I don’t want to remember that. 

I wish you’d come visit me. 

I miss you.

G

May 18, 2013

18 May

Hello Moother,

These past few weeks you have been on my mind. I know it’s because of the baby, but nevertheless every time I think of you, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Every minute of every day, I just wish I could talk to you. 

Mommy, I miss you. It doesn’t seem fair that you’re not here. 

All I want to do is whine like a little kid that life isn’t fair and why isn’t life fair. Wah. Wah. Wah. 

Anyway, I miss you. I want you to meet this little kid. I wish I could talk to you about how ugly I feel and how I’m worried I’m going to be the grossest pregnant woman alive. 

I want to know what you went through. 

That is all.

I love you.

G